The Rules of Theatre:
1. Always Carry A Pen
2. Always Carry A Torch
3. If you need to tell a secret, don’t tell anyone
4. If you have to tell someone, Tell One Person ONLY
5. Always cover your arse
6. Always have a backup
7. Gaffer Tape can and will solve everything
8. Don’t end up on either side of the CenterLink Desk
9. Always carry a screwdriver
10. Never believe anything you’re told, Double Check.
11. If you want something, and you make a big deal out of it, you’ll get it.
12. If nobody knows, problem solved.
13. The name: “Chris” is to be used as a punishment and must not be used for anything positive or constructive.
14. If you want answer now then the answer is NO. If you let me think about it I may change my mind
15. There are two types of jobs in life. For most jobs you wash your hands after going to the toilet. For the others you also have to wash your hands before going to the toilet.
16. Things should be done as quickly as possible. But, things shouldn’t be done quicker than is possible.
17. Under Promise; Over Deliver
18. You can never have too many power sockets.
19. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking to good either.
20. If it weren’t for circuit breakers and law enforcement, we’ll be unstoppable.
21. Don’t tell the boss
22. Give way to the heavier load
23. Never Feature on Screen
24. Never be Unreachable
25. Lockers are not ecosystems
26. Be good, if not, don’t blame it on the boss
27. If it’s too good to be true it probably is, but not always.
28. We should stop making so many rules
29. How many is too many?
30. Is thirty to many?
31. No talking/communicating while on the toilet
32. Alex refuses to do any lighting unless there is a running sheet or script, and at least two blackouts
33. Aim for perfection, but accept something closeish
34. Wireless is the future, but it is not the present.
35. If something sounds ridiculous, it is.
36. Lachlan needs to stop being so paranoid
37. There are four ways of doing something; The right way, the wrong way, your way and my way. Only one way counts.
38. Everything will work until you need it to work.
39. Keep the ledge free of books.
40. Tuck your chair in
41. Constantly be vigilantly aware of your surroundings.
42. Electricity is our best friend. It is also our worst enemy.
43. You must never say “Whatever” when responding to, “What drink do you want?”
44. It’s not my mark, my project, my work, I didn’t have a say, I don’t care.
45. Stuff up, ‘Fess Up.
46. If I make a mistake, I fix it. If anyone else makes a mistake, I fix it...
47. Be good, because you can be replaced with a button.
48. The tension of the cyc is the least of my worries when I don’t have anything to light it with!
50. A lack of planning on your part should not constitute an emergency on my part.
51. Don’t rape anyone
52. As soon as you mention something, one of two possible outcomes will occur. If you said something good, then it immediately goes away. If you said something bad, then it never ever goes away.
53. Everything in a theatre will take longer then it should.
54. If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
55. Experience is the thing that you get a split second after you’ve needed it.
56. We are here to offer creative solutions to difficult problems. These means that we are going to lie, cheat, steal and do whatever the hell we have too to get this damn thing working!
57. Don’t let anyone else touch the equipment or it will be screwed.
58. Aim for 150%. If you get 90% of that, it’s still 135%.
59. Liaison is a noun, not a verb
60. When you start of working in theatre you are given two jars, on called the ‘experience jar,’ and the other the, ‘luck jar.’ The ‘luck jar’ is given to you full but you have to fill the ‘experience jar’ yourself. The goal is to fill your ‘experience jar’ before you empty your ‘luck jar.’
61. It is easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission.
62. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
63. If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
64. Do what the director tells you to do, then fix it.
65. Always check the DVD before you play it.
66. Always ask for advice, but make sure it’s appropriate for the situation.
67. Always use pencil when writing in your scrips.
68. Dumb ideas come from people who have dumb brains.
69. If you are going to lie, you have to do it convincingly.
70. Google is a wonderful tool. Use it!
71. Programming is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
72. Never, ever, ever give an annoying kid access to a two way radio. There is NO escape.
73. In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the actors. And the Technical Director (hereinafter referred to as the TD) said, "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES worked and wired, and there were lights. Spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting - yes, lights of all shapes, sizes and hues. And the TD saw the lights, that they were well aimed and focused, gelled according to the scene, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And it was good. And the evening and the morning were the First Day.
74. If only it could be done in one day...
75. Never, ever, ever break the rules. It lands you in a very deep, deep hole.
76. Show me a script that calls for no actors, dancers, musicians or artists; and, I will show you a techie's DREAM!
77. I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
78. You're not drunk if you can lie on the stage without holding on.
79. And on the 13th of April, 2010, ESP Vision and Jands Vista finally worked on Alex’s laptop.
80. Director: It’s your fault
Techie: It’s [Insert name]’s fault
Director: It’s you fault for trusting him!
81. As long as everything appears to be good, then everything is good.
82. Gaffer tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
83. Gaffer tape, and the current price, is only for things that electrical, LX, masking, sticky or duct tape can’t fix.
84. An actor without techies is a naked person standing in the dark trying to emote. A techie without actors is a person with marketable skills.
85. If I wanted to have people tell me what to do, I would have become an actor.
86. I, just like you, have a name. You never forget yours so don’t forget mine!
87. Lord grant me the serenity to accept the cues that I cannot change, the courage to change the cues that I can, and the wisdom not to strangle the actors because they can’t stand in the light.
88. You can get any dummy to push the button, but making it look decent is completely different.
89. Never deprive a techie of caffeine.
90. Never bother Alex at the lighting desk if you want to live.
91. Know how to do every job that your juniors can do.
92. If it works, don’t fix it unless you have enough time to get it back to how it was originally.
93. Safety second!
94. A techie must never sit and look bored during a show when they have obviously not done the work in the first place to make it look good. Make it fantastic and then when you can’t do anymore, look bored. You just look like an incompetent fool.
95. Don’t ever put follow-spots into a play unless you have hundreds of other fixtures to wash out its effect, the lighting guy has a manual override to it, the show really needs it AND they are the same colour temperature as everything else. They will just look bad, especially with amateur ops!
96. Don’t do reserved seating for an amateur show. It just makes you look like a bunch of wannabes.
97. Gravitation is not responsible for your mistakes
98. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
99. Anything is possible anywhere these days
100. The worst you can do is quit
101. The chance of saving the day by spontaneous reaction is extremely remote, but the chance of catapulting yourself into the deepest trouble is very high.
102. Everyone has an enemy
103. The audience haven’t got scripts and don’t have a clue what is supposed to happen. But the backstage people do!
104. There is no such thing as ‘less is more’. More is always more otherwise they wouldn’t have invented the word.
105. Within the theatre, I have immunity!
106. Any semi-intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a bit of thought - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction.
107. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
108. Keep looking around, there is always something you’ve missed.
109. It doesn’t matter if it works or not, what does matter is if there is someone else to blame.
110. Once you produce a miracle, you’re then expected to continue producing miracles on a daily basis.
111. Everyone has two jobs: The one they do, and sound tech!
112. We’re not rude, we’re just direct.
113. A techie lives in a world of perfection, or not at all.
114. Rule Books are paper – they will not cushion the sudden meeting of metal and ground.
115. Do not let yourself be forced into doing something before you are ready.
116. Mistakes are inevitable, especially when one is learning new things. The trick is to not make the mistake that will kill you.
117. He who is most free from danger, is he who when all is safe, is still on guard.
118. If you can’t afford to do something right, then be damn sure you can afford to do it wrong.
119. It’s far easier to programme a light than to programme people.
120. The more you learn, the more you realize you don’t know.
121. A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it.
122. A good idea can be invisible to logic.
123. Anytime you’re in a pressure situation you find out who’s going to step up and do it and who’s going to fade into the background.
124. When in doubt, read the manual. Unfortunately for me, I tend to be the one that writes it.
125. Don’t put blown light bulbs and new light bulbs in the same box.
126. Good Sound is the absence of Bad Sound.
127. Unfortunately, common sense isn’t all that common.
128. These days, anything is possible anywhere.
129. You may be able to break every civil and criminal law, but you will never break the laws of physics.
130. Plan Z should always be to trust your gut
131. If you want something done, you’ve just got to do it yourself!
132. The sun will always win when it comes to lighting during the day.
133. It is the actor's job to think that they are awesome. It is the technician's job to persuade the audience to agree.
134. You’re doing your job too well when you are making yourself redundant.
135. Complacency is the biggest contributor to mistakes. Don’t become complacent.
136. Don’t believe the drawings, they’re always wrong.
137. Would the coroner agree with the decision?
138. The most important thing is to keep the most important thing the most important thing.
139. It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all people graduate in the bottom half of their class.
140. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
141. Sometimes it’s best to give them what they want, not what they asked for.
142. If it doesn’t feel safe, it’s probably not safe.
143. If you can’t explain it simply enough, you don’t understand it well enough.
144. If you don’t want it to work, it will over work.
145. It needs more smoke, no exceptions. Just make sure the fire alarms are off first.
146. The level of weirdness of the human race never ceases to amaze.
147. Happytubes are never to be rigged on a slanting angle.
148. Pay more attention to the negatives than the positives.
149. When the only tool you have is a hammer, treat whatever you are trying to fix like a nail.
150. There is only so low you can go until it’s off.
151. What could possibly go wrong?
152. Sanity is priceless.
153. If you’re losing the argument, just mention the word ‘ombudsman’ and you’re guaranteed a win.
154. If the project looks like it's going to be more trouble than it's worth, then it's worth becoming busy and politely declining.
155. The great thing about Industry Standards is that there are so many to choose from.
156. And to paraphrase, I think we will stop here.
157. There are some hire companies that just want you’re money. Others actually want you to have a decent show so that you can come back and loan more from them.
158. If someone let’s you use their WIFI, please don’t start torrenting and play online games from it with a bit of Youtube on the side.
159. When you have over $1 000 000 worth of equipment, but can’t remember which music videos you have already played, just ask the audience – they’ll know, right?
160. Always greet the security staff.
161. Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
162. Don’t ever pack up a PA until the last minute. Chances are that it’ll be used again.
163. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
164. If it is stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
165. You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
166. Always put it in writing.
167. Don’t use follow spots.
168. One mustn’t speculate or conjecture from hearsay.
169. This is the unwritten rule.
170. The technicians convenience should be the last consideration.
171. You know what I really like? Paper. I really love paper.
172. There is a difference between a beautifully lit stage floor and beautifully lit faces. The later is more important.
173. Don’t ever say no to complimentary tickets.
174. If people do not wish to be helped, respect them and leave them alone.
175. A quick decision is a good decision.
176. Always specify standard gel colours that are readily available.
177. Procedures are developed from historical information. Hence, they’re always a little out of date and set in the past.
178. In SQL, never underestimate the usefulness in joining a table to itself.
179. People don’t leave jobs, they leave managers.
180. If you don’t love maths, don’t touch it. And if you hate it, it’s because you had a bad teacher.
181. Always preference the simpler solution higher.
182. Don’t get involved with wills.
183. Don’t get involved with committees.
184. Learn as much as you can about as much as you can.
185. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
186. People lie.
187. Tell the truth and nothing but the truth, just not the whole truth.
188. Bend the line, but don’t break it.
189. You get the most luck when you need it least.
190. There is a point in time when wisdom counterbalances youthfulness.
191. If something is not impossible, there must be a way of making it possible.
192. All problems originate in some way from people.
193. Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it is the only idea you have.
194. The first thing you need to do to solve a problem is recognise there is one. After that, move on to a solution.
195. Unfortunately, charity doesn’t pay the bills.
196. The art of lighting the stage consists of putting light where you want it but also taking it away from where you don't want it.
197. To quote Hamlet, Act III, Scene III, Line 87: “No”.
198. Time is finite. However, the bureaucracy is infinite.
199. The trick to living a long life is to stay alive long enough to not get dead.
200. Sometimes, doing the right thing requires a risky choice. One must always be prepared to make this choice, and justify it.
201. Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.
202. It is a capital mistake to draw conclusions before one has data. Facts inevitably become twisted to suit theories, rather than theories to suit the facts.
203. What’s going to kill someone first?
205. If a problem is too hard, change the problem and revaluate.
206. You can’t have it both ways.
207. Firefighters always walk to a fire.